Speaking of Women's Health
The Speaking of Women's Health Podcast is excited to bring you credible women's health information from host and Executive Director, Dr. Holly L. Thacker. Dr. Thacker will interview guest clinicians discussing relevant women's health topics and the latest news and tips.
Please consider supporting Speaking of Women's Health with a monetary donation to help us continue to provide free women's health content. Thank you!
Speaking of Women's Health
You Don’t Need A Perfect Holiday To Make Real Memories
Perfection is loud during the holidays. Presence is quieter—and far more powerful. Speaking of Women's Health Podcast Executive Producer Leigh Klekar sat down with clinical social worker and holistic psychotherapist Marita Pompeani to unpack why this season ratchets up stress and how to find steady ground with simple, science-backed tools you can use anywhere.
We talk about expectations and how social media scripts can push us to overspend, overcommit, and overlook our bandwidth. Marita shares a flexible framework for planning with blended families, setting a realistic budget, and rethinking gift giving with meaningful alternatives like experiences, contributions toward big items, and handwritten notes that land deeper than stuff.
If this conversation resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who could use some peace, and leave a review so more listeners can find these tools.
Welcome to the Speaking of Women's Health Podcast. I'm your guest host, Elite Clacker, and producer of the podcast, and I'm so glad to be back at the Sunflower House with you today. We're revisiting a heartfelt episode from season two, which was called Decrease Stress and Be Present for the Holiday Season. Last year, I had the pleasure of sitting down with Marita Pompeani to talk about something that resonates so deeply with so many of us how to manage holiday stress and set realistic expectations. So as women, especially, we often carry the emotional weight of making the holidays magical for everyone around us. And we want those moments with our families to be joyful, meaningful, and memorable. But let's be honest, the pressure to create the perfect holiday can leave us feeling overwhelmed and sometimes disconnected from the very moments we're trying to cherish. In this episode, Marita shares thoughtful, practical ways to reduce stress and truly be present during the holiday season. But before I replay the original episode, I want to discuss a few highlights from this podcast episode with Marita and share a few new tips. So I think accepting imperfection is a good way to summarize the first tip. So as we prepare for the holidays, it's easy to set impossibly high standards for ourselves. And when things don't go exactly as we planned, we tend to feel disappointed. But really, I mean, here's the truth it's okay if it's not perfect. And so Marita reminds us that imperfection is not only normal, it's healthy. So before diving into all of your holiday prep, be sure to take a moment to acknowledge that things might not go exactly as you imagined, and accept that that is perfectly fine. Easier said than done, but good to keep keep telling us that over and over and reminding ourselves of that. I think another important highlight to um talk about is not losing sight of what really matters. So the holidays come once a year and you know we look forward to them, we decorate for them, we prepare for them, but um they can also be chaotic because of the stress maybe we put upon ourselves or that society puts upon us. So those long lines that we may um have to deal with at stores or traffic or endless to-do lists. So when you feel yourself getting swept up in that hustle, Marita reminds us to take a pause and ask where does this moment fit in the bigger picture? So that long grocery line is just a line, don't let it steal your peace. Also, ask yourself can I use this moment to reflect? So while you wait, think about something good that happened today, or something you're grateful for. Another question is can I make this moment pleasant? So maybe offer a kind word to someone nearby, or simply take in your surroundings with fresh eyes, even a simple smile to the person near you, or someone passing by can help lift your spirits. So responding with kindness, I think we all could use a nice reminder about that. Um, we can't control how others behave, and this is something that I have said to my children as I've raised them that we can choose how we respond, right? We're in control of ourselves, but not the others around us. So you never know also what someone else is going through. They could be having a really bad day, they could have had something terrible happen in their life this morning. So if someone's being rude or short-tempered, take a breath and remember who who you are and respond with kindness. Or if you can't do it, respond with kindness, walk away if you need to. And let's not forget too the holidays can be especially hard for those who are alone. And Marita talks about this in her episode as well. You know, how holidays can be rough if someone has recently lost a loved one. So if you know someone who might be spending the season without a family or friends, consider reaching out with a small act of kindness because it can mean more than you know. Even a simple text message or um you know, a quick uh stop by at their house and leave maybe a little tree that you know that uh would brighten their day. So rethink your resolution. So you know, New Year's can set us up sometimes for disaster, but uh you know, like the typical New Year's resolution of like losing 20 pounds or saying you're gonna give up sugar for the year. I mean, that can feel very overwhelming and it can set us up for disappointment. So instead, Marita suggests that we start small. Break your goal into tiny and manageable steps. So if weight loss is your goal, maybe begin by adding more veggies to your meals in January and then gradually cut back on sweets in February. So those small goals and breaking it down maybe by months uh can really help it feel more manageable. And most importantly, be kind yourself if last year's resolution didn't stick, or if you've already veered off course this time around, just let it go. I mean, you can always start just because they're called New Year's resolutions, doesn't mean that you can't start a new goal in March or even October. It's never too late. So we all have you know that inner critic in ourselves, right? That little voice in our head that sometimes just stop being negative. Um but with practice we can learn to quiet it and you can always, as I mentioned, pick your goals back up and do that please, without guilt and without shame. And just do it with grace, and knowing that you know you can always start over again. So I think these highlights are um some of my favorites that came out of this episode with Marita, and I really think uh she does a wonderful job in this podcast episode of reminding us you know how we can be present for the holiday season. So whether you're listening to this episode for the first time or if you listened to it last year, uh I hope it brings you peace and perspective and a little more joy in this holiday season. So thanks for joining me in the Sunflower House. And I hope you enjoy this episode by Marita Pompeani, called Decrease Stress and Be Present for the Holiday Season. And until next time, be strong, be healthy, and be in charge. I'm talking with Marita today on the subject of how to decrease stress and be present for the holiday season. So, first I'd like to share a little bit about Marita's professional background. She is a clinical social worker. She currently is a holistic psychotherapist in the Center for Integrative and Lifestyle Medicine at Cleveland Clinic. So, welcome, Marita.
Marita Pompeani:Thank you. It's good to be here.
Leigh Klekar:Thanks for joining us. Um you actually wrote a fantastic column on our website, speakingofwomenshealth.com, last year called The Importance of Self-Care and Why Women Need to Be a Little Selfish. And I feel that that topic um really goes hands hands in hand with what we're talking about today, about just you know taking a step back and you know, really kind of prioritizing things during the holiday season and and all year. These are probably tips that we can use all year long.
Marita Pompeani:Absolutely, yes.
Leigh Klekar:So um I love the first uh couple lines of your column. It said, at various times in our lives, most of us have experienced the steady drip, drip, drip of stressful events until they get to the point of overwhelm and they're facing extreme painful situations. And women, often involved in numerous caregiving roles, regularly overlook their own wellness needs. So I'm sure many of our listeners feel that way during the holiday season. So I'm glad we have you joining us so you can share some of these important tips for our listeners out there. So let's start with sort of the very basic. Why is the holiday season so stressful for people and especially women?
Marita Pompeani:Um, excellent question. Obviously, there's so many strains on our time and resources during the holiday season, and even like now, in um so many situations where people have a strain already, even when they're not in the holidays, uh, they may be living paycheck to paycheck, they may be you know going through the same routine every week to get everything done, and then start it all over at the beginning of the following week. And it really drains our energy, it in it drains our enthusiasm for living, really. And um women, especially in our society, we have not only do we take on some of these more caretaking roles um oftentimes with elderly or our children or other people in need, there's also sometimes this sense of guilt that we're not doing enough, or there's stories that we've been telling ourselves for years, um, that our culture kind of pushes out there through the media about um the role of women and what we need to be doing. So there's many reasons, and and I also want to give a shout out to men because they also feel the strain as well, um, and that's important. Um so expectations are another stressor, you know. The what are we gonna do? How are we gonna uh manage this, this, because we've always done it this way.
Leigh Klekar:So yeah, I agree. And I do think that's important that you did do a shout out to the men. I know a lot a lot of you know, husbands, partners um are more involved, you know, the last you know, nowadays than maybe um you know, grandparents' parents. Um so you know, they do take on a lot. I do think women do tend to take on more, though. I I will say that as a mother and as a walkie mom.
Marita Pompeani:So it depends on the individual, individual families. Yeah. Um, but absolutely, yes. Yes, it's it's the tendency. Yeah. Um men look at the bigger picture, I think. Women are details, and we have to have things looking just right, and it's um it's just a different way of approaching it.
Leigh Klekar:Right.
Marita Pompeani:Um, and and then we tend to show our stress maybe uh more readily. Um men sometimes kind of hold that in so it's more apparent when a woman is stressed versus a man.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah. And I think you made an important point too about um the social media. I think a lot of people, you know, if you're frequently on there, you're looking at what everyone else is doing and sort of comparing your own life, and that's just not healthy.
Marita Pompeani:Yeah, and that's a you know, that's newer to um to this uh our society in the last 20 years, where that's been an issue that's added versus more traditional experiences of um the holidays where we had more homespun um activities and we did things that our families passed on, the traditions, yes.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah, absolutely. So why don't we talk about some ways for people to maybe limit and deal with stress quickly? So, you know, we're getting really close to the holidays at this point, so we don't have months to maybe you know go back and prepare, but what can they do now to help, you know, with the stress?
Marita Pompeani:You know, it's funny. I I remember when my kids were little, we would um have all this tension and stress uh preparing to go to grandma's, and and we we're some of us may have been like talking loudly prior to arriving, and then we get there and we're like, okay, now we have to put our happy face on, right? Um, and and that is a real experience. So pay attention to those things, sometimes even ahead of time, and I know moms are good at this because I have that was the role. I can't speak for dads, but um the planning that goes into this, like we are like 10 steps ahead of everybody else because we can see what's on the horizon, what we have to have done, what this has to be in place, this, this, this. Um, so we do a really good job of planning, but sometimes we have to do a good job of letting that go, right? And saying, this is the plan, but it doesn't mean it's gonna turn out that way. And we have to be willing to be flexible and shift. So that um that's the first thing. Another thing, and again, this is kind of last, you know, late information for some people, maybe some people already know it, but just remembering that stress is the result of a nervous system reaction to a trigger. And so um this part of our brain that's responsible for our survival is called the amygdala, and it's constantly scanning your environment for signs of danger or distress. So when it's detected, it sets in motion a lot of physical responses. One of those is the um the secretion of adrenaline, which gives us that energy to really have what we need to fight or flee for our lives. That's the purpose of that part of our uh nervous system. When we understand that's what's going into play here, we don't have to respond that way. We can shut that down and make a shift. So learning what your uh stress responses are is really important. One of my first things that I do is I hold my breath and I um I have tension in my belly. So I've gotten to the point, Lee, where I have learned when that happens, I can bring in some very simple breathing techniques to take myself off the stress cycle, basically. And I don't even get into the story about what it is because that's not as important as attending to what's happening here. Yeah, that's what drives our responses. That that increase in um blood flow, the adrenaline, our heart starts to race, all of these things. So get to know what your physical symptoms are so that you can make a different uh response. That takes practice, it's not gonna happen right away. Some people will try something and say, it didn't work, I'm not gonna do it, it hasn't worked. Um, but it takes time. So, breathing, I'm gonna tell you a little bit about breathing too. Um breathing, the reason we do this breath, and I can stand up and demonstrate that if that would be good. Um, I'll show you in a minute. Um, most people, when they say take a deep breath, they just suck in. Everything gets sucked in.
Leigh Klekar:Right, yeah.
Marita Pompeani:And yeah, shoulders tighten and all of that, and that's the opposite of what our body needs to calm down. What we recommend, and what's been found to be extremely helpful, is expanding our belly on the inhale. So if you put your hands in, just when you start to do this, you put your hands on your belly and you breathe out, push out when you're breathing in. I'm sorry. Um, and then on the exhale, sort of like a yoga breathing. Exactly. That's exactly it. It is if you're familiar with yoga, people who are in music, who sing, it's also called diaphragm breathing.
Leigh Klekar:Okay.
Marita Pompeani:Um, the reason it's so effective is because you're pressing on your diaphragm, which has the vagus nerve running through it. So the vagus nerve is one of the biggest nerves in your body. It goes through all your organs, your brain, your spinal cord, and it puts into motion your parasympathetic nervous system response, which is puts you in calm. So you're you're activating uh the part of your nervous system that is responsible to help you calm down and shuts off the other uh fight or flight response, which is your sympathetic nervous system. All of those words aren't necessarily important to remember as much as the techniques.
Leigh Klekar:Um so how many times do we need to do that breath to sort of actually get that result that you're talking about?
Marita Pompeani:Yes. Um the more you do it, the more you're gonna be training your body and your mind this new way of responding. So when you when I work with people and demonstrate it, I'll have them do it three to four times. Um, but you could do it a little bit longer if you wanted. Um, some people don't have the patience for that, and that's okay. Don't worry about that. I heard somebody say uh he when he first learned some of these techniques, he could only tolerate five seconds of doing this. Okay. And so just know that that's the process. It takes uh time, like I said, to train your system. He was unable to tolerate eight seconds and and extended that as he went.
Leigh Klekar:So and especially if you are like you used the example, you're on your way to grandma's and you can feel yourself, you know, with this you know, heavy load, just even maybe a couple breaths to start that you know in the car.
Marita Pompeani:Exactly. Shift, yeah, shift it, yeah. Um, another thing you can do is just like dial in, what's happening? What am I feeling? And this again takes practice, but just paying attention. Where is that tension? Ah, it's here. I'm just gonna envision the breath coming in and melting it, you know, just melting it off, the tension and releasing it. And I I'm doing it in this interview uh constantly, not constantly, but regularly throughout my whole day. It's a it's a lifestyle, it really is.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah. You know, I know sometimes I get very stubborn when I am feeling stress. And you use the perfect example, you know, you finally get you know your family in the car, and you know, you're you're feeling that, but like my husband will say, Well, what can I do to help? And I'm just I'm like, I can't even receive that. You know, right. So it's like you're right, you have to sort of completely really work on this to change that and go, okay, I will receive it, and I'm also gonna take care of care of myself at this moment and do a breathing exercise or take a quick walk or whatever, right?
Marita Pompeani:Yes, yes. Some people do, you know, you can do Google searches, there's so many. So I can give you a few here, but there's there are so many, and you will know which ones work for you. And everybody I work with has different ones they go to. I worked with somebody who had um uh high anxiety, and at work he would go to the restroom and run his wrists under cold water because that's that helped him. And cold ice pack or water can help turn down that that stress response. You know, the um stress response, one of the symptoms is is increased body temperature. So that is um something to pay attention to.
Leigh Klekar:Absolutely. I know also um a few of your fellow colleagues have written columns for speaking of women's health, with I think there's one definitely on breathing exercises and different breathing exercises and some other tips too, so we can direct our listeners to speakingofwomen's health.com. Absolutely. Search for some of those under wellness.
Marita Pompeani:Yeah. One other one that you mentioned also was like walking away, taking a pause, reset. And that's been shown to be really effective as well.
Leigh Klekar:Right. I can kind of see that working when you do get to say grandmas or whatever, maybe get together you're at, or if it's at your own home and everyone's coming in and you know, there's a lot of noise and a lot of things, and you've got things in the oven. Go, you know what, I will be right back. Give me two minutes.
Marita Pompeani:Yes. And sometimes if I'm at somebody else's house, I use the restroom. Like I'll just excuse myself and I use that time. And I've seen a movie recently where the person will go and look right. Actually, I think it was uh Ted Lasso, the uh one of the main characters and and kind of dials into himself, yeah, and really it's what you're doing is connecting your mind and your body, you're grounding in. And when you do that, you're turning off the stress cycle, yeah, which includes repeated thoughts and a story like this always happens, or why does she, or why does he, or blah, blah, blah. And so just recognize that you can step out of that story that you're telling yourself because that adds to the stress, right? It drives it.
Leigh Klekar:Right, right. Um, so you talked a little bit about this about setting um realistic expectations, but maybe we can dive a little bit more into that and sort of walk us through maybe some of your tips or steps of how we can set those realistic expectations going into the holiday season.
Marita Pompeani:Um, first of all, I think it's important to sit in preparation for the holidays, and a lot of people probably do this to identify what are all the things that you expect to happen? What are your expectations? What are your family members' expectations? Identify them and get familiar with, even recognize, oh yeah, Aunt Sally, this has to be done, or whatever, you know. Um, my apologies to all the Sally's out there. Um but being sure that you're aware of um the list, yeah, and then setting your priorities, do that if you have, you know, a spouse or a partner, you want to do that together, obviously. Um, understanding you might not get everything on your wish list or expectation list, and yep, you'll have to be flexible, but being really clear about things that are really just unreasonable, um, whether it's your resource of finances or time or energy. So um I work with a lot of people who have chronic illness and they're grappling with their new self. So they are like in this different space of not having the energy to tolerate all of that goes into the cleaning, the um the food, uh, the shopping, all of that. So being realistic about that. Another thing I see families doing, especially with so many blended families, uh, we've got to go to, you know, on Christmas Day, we have to go here, here, here, and here. And is that realistic, really? Is there an alternate plan that you can maybe rotate this year? We'll go to this one's house on Christmas next year, we'll go to the next one, and then finding other days. Because with young children in tow, that's really setting you up for more stress if you are taking them to place and they don't have the bandwidth to tolerate that level of stimulation and interaction. So, really being realistic about that is super important, obviously. Uh, financially, um, it is what it is, and if if there are if they're not enough dollars to put into gift buying in the way you want to, then you need to make an alternate plan and be okay with that and say this year it's just not possible. Um, there may be people, obviously, you have to take off your gift giving list that you purchase for, but can you give a gift in a different way, a gift of time, or even just a special card with a message about um all the things that make that person really special to you?
Leigh Klekar:Yeah.
Marita Pompeani:So you can do alternate things. Uh, it doesn't have to look like it does for everybody on TV or social media or wherever, you know, or even what you used to do.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah, and that can be hard, you know, um, especially for um my teens, you know, they don't want a stuffed animal anymore that could maybe cost ten dollars. It's you know, something that's a hundred plus. So it's like, okay, you might only be getting one thing then, you know, there are multiple children in my family, right? Yeah.
Marita Pompeani:Exactly. Or can you give money? We've done this where if you know I have a son who has very expensive tastes. Well, I'll give you a hundred dollars towards that purchase.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah, that's a great idea, right? So you're keeping within your budget, but you know, and they probably love to get that money anyway.
Marita Pompeani:And so yeah, I remember getting money uh for Christmas, and then I was like, oh good, this is like you know, fun money for whatever I want. So absolutely, yeah.
Leigh Klekar:Well, those are great, great tips. Um, so we we're actually seguating into the next question, which is managing gift giving. You know, we talked a lot about that. Um you know, maybe we could dive into a little bit like if some people haven't even started their shopping yet. Oh, it can be really stressful, like or you forgot someone on your list. I've done that before. Um, where I'm like, you know, I'll make my list ahead of time of who I'm buying for. And there was one year where I forgot someone very important in my life just because I was stressed and busy. Uh yeah, so it was a last minute trying to find something.
Marita Pompeani:Yeah. Some so some of the things that can be helpful in that, you know, obviously I've I've been in that place, I know exactly. I might look up, like if it's an out-of-town person, I might go online and do a restaurant search to see what are some good restaurants that match their their style of you know, uh dining out, and then get an online gift certificate, which I can share with them. Um, gift cards are always available in the grocery store. Um, so it's not always what people want to get for people, but if you receive them, if you're that sort of person uh that enjoys that, it's meaningful, it can be meaningful again, paired with a nice message about how important that person is to you. Um last minute shopping, um so many different ways to do that with online again, or um, you know, usually we want to try to avoid the the box stores or you know, the because of the lines and all that, but sometimes that is what we have to end up doing if it's last minute, right? Um, one other thing that I've done over the years is I will pick up lovely things that somebody just it'll make a good gift for somebody. And to have a stash of stuff like that at home is a really good idea for that situation, or a bottle of wine or a box of candy or something, picking up some extra things just for that purpose. There's somebody I'm gonna forget, I'm gonna get some extras for that.
Leigh Klekar:That's a great idea, yeah. And even if you're going to um someone's home home and you want to bring them something small as a thank you, a nice house, you know, or a hostess gift, or host gift. Yeah.
Marita Pompeani:Yes.
Leigh Klekar:Great idea. I love that. I maybe I'll start myself a little box here after the Christmas and get some stuff on clearance too.
Marita Pompeani:Yes, exactly. I have I've s I have a you know, year round I pick up stuff.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah, that's great. And that can really help with that stress to know that you can just go up there and maybe and grab something and not have to worry about going out to a store and dealing with a crowd and chaos.
Marita Pompeani:And one other thing, I talked a little bit ago about the stories we tell ourselves. Pay attention to that expectation. And is that realistic to expect that of yourself? And sometimes you're in a tight bind, you're not going to be able to meet that expectation, right? So um being okay with that.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah. I have a question that just kind of popped in my head because it's sort of something that I'm dealing with. Um so uh if you know you've done a certain tradition every year, be it maybe go to someone's home or go somewhere and you've just decided that's not the you know important for your family anymore. Maybe it's not bringing you joy or or bringing everybody joy. You know, but it's stressful to have to tell say, you know, Joe that, you know, we're not coming this year. Um so I'm just wondering how like people can sort of do you have any tips on handling that and you know, talking and having that conversation or how to handle that um, you know, with with the person who you know you're usually spending that time with.
Marita Pompeani:Yeah, that's that's such a good question, Lee. Um, and I imagine that's gonna be a real issue possibly this year, um, since it was an election year. Um so so understanding and coming to that awareness with again if you have a partner um or a spouse that you do these things with, if not you can decide on your own, but um really getting clear about what your intention for the holiday is. And if our intention is to create joy, create good memories, just really be with the people that we're with, and maybe as as we have go through different times in our lives, our inner circle changes. Yes, and so our inner circle, um as we have children, and then they go on and have their own children, families cannot sustain all of the extended people that they have. So finding a different day to visit with them, maybe in January after the holiday, sometimes people do that. Um some alternate ways. If it's just not a good fit to continue that relationship, that's another issue of really just people address it lots of ways. One way is is to say, you know what, we have some other things happening right now. You know, obviously, we can say we're very busy this year for you know all these other reasons, or not even give reasons and just say, we're not able to get together this year. I'm really sorry. Um and and if that person wants to ask about that, I would prepare something ahead of time, um, like rehearsing it even, you know, to say, yeah, this is just not gonna work for us. And if they keep pressing, kids say, Well, you know, I'm not able to talk about it right now. Um, I'm really sorry, this is a struggle for you. Um, some of that, like I'm comfortable saying those things because I speak with people about hard things all day. Other people may not feel comfortable, so some people may want to text. Texting is a little bit easier way to back out of a situation. Yeah, I don't recommend it, but some people do what we call ghosting, right? Yeah, I mean, lots of ways to shift. Um, I I have had something like that, and I just had to say, you know, we're we're gonna do something different this year. And then that kind of established a new way forward for the family.
Leigh Klekar:Right. And and it's honest, so you don't have to feel the guilt that you're you know having to maybe, you know, tell a white lie or something. So you're you're being honest and you're still being, you know, right.
Marita Pompeani:Yeah, you don't have to give all the information, especially to someone who keeps pressing you for the information, um, because that to me is a sign that they're not gonna really be able to hear it or understand it and be as accepting of that. And if that's the situation with that particular group or person, uh boundary setting is super important. Also, another thing, um, let's say you're in a situation where um you know, let's say it's mom and dad have all these people coming over and you don't have much control over the guest list, but you want to make sure you make an appearance. Um that's another thing to like navigate and kind of plan out. I know I'm not gonna respond well to this person's energy or whatever. I I know that I want to be present for my family, but I I'm going to make sure I stay a distance. And that's one way people can navigate that. Um, knowing topics you will not engage in. Um, and I I'll give a little story from my life. Um politics, I am probably one of the few people in my family that believe like I do. And I have a sea of people who believe differently. And so at the beginning, there was a lot of tension, you know, when this started so many years ago. Um and I would be all rared up and ready to go. And what I've learned is that's just like the antithesis of why we get together. Um, shortly after that, my mom got really sick. We needed each other, we needed to work together, and it became so clear that having the politics talk was really harmful to us. So we had to um learn when we're getting on the slippery slope. I have one sister in particular, and we we know we don't, we, and we've we've kind of like identified that. We can't, we know we can't talk about that because we love each other. That's why we are together as a family and still getting together. And when you can connect to the heart and the the intention and the purpose of getting together, make that what's your priority. Make that your priority. And when you do that, the all this other stuff will will just fade back, really.
Leigh Klekar:No, that's that's wonderful advice. I mean, um, because you know, my question we already passed through it was dealing with certain family members or or friends that are like family during the holidays, you know, because there's during family, it's hard with families. There's always going to be maybe some tension, right? So, like you said, either just avoiding certain topics, maybe if you're not speaking, maybe it's just best to just say a simple hello and then go engage with others that are bringing you joy at the moment, you know.
Marita Pompeani:Yeah, and and you know, it's not like you're not going to um engage with these people at all because there may be something. Focus on what you do have in common, you know, and focus on that, what brings you joy that you want to share with other people. If you can really just kind of dial into what's happening in your body too, using some of these mind-body tools and keep yourself in a calm state, that also helps tremendously because now you're not in the fight or flight protective mode. And if you stay calm, then you can you tap into your happiness and share that.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah, no, that's wonderful. Thank you for sharing that. That's really good advice. Absolutely. So the topic is sort of be more present, right? And I know again, we've touched on this in so many ways, but maybe just how can we be more present during the special moments and occasions, you know, that because this time is only once a year, you know, for many. And you know, I know people are just so busy in their lives and they're going in so many different directions. And it's one day where hopefully everyone has the day off work and they're able to be with those that they care about.
Marita Pompeani:So yeah, that's that's so importantly. You know, you can grab those um we call them mindful moments. Some people call them glimmers. Um, it's the glimmer is the opposite of a trigger. So there's something that like triggers your stress, but there's glimmers that help to put you in a state of calm. So start to dial into that. It could be a song, it could be something that you see, you could be in nature. Um, give yourself that even in the busyness. So on the days where I can't, because I'm an avid hiker and I love being outside, on the days I have to work inside all day, um, I will go out at lunch or after work or in the morning just to grab the sunshine, you know, just to be present and in that and see nature. There may be a bird, there may be a tree. Something is going to light me up. Learn what lights you up and get into that, you know, um, when you're doing work. Have your playlist. I have like my morning playlist to get my motor going. I have like one to help calm me down. I have fun tunes that help me dancing if I've got chores to do. I put that on. My mom and dad would play um polka music on Saturday chore day. And I was like, now I get it.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah.
Marita Pompeani:They did it because they didn't want to hear anybody squawking about doing their chores because we're all like upbeat, you know. So use what you have, use what you know works for you. Um being mindful. Some people will use the breathing, um, quieting, some people um just dialing into your body, your sensory shift, you know. Oh, this this thing is in, I'm in pain here. Uh, that's adding to my stress. And sometimes with practice, you can melt off even pain with your breathing. So, so there's lots of stuff um that you can do. Gratitude is another good one. Just having at the end of the day, what am I grateful for today? What happened? What went well? Yeah, especially in the stressful times.
Leigh Klekar:That's great. Yeah, Dr. Thacker just did a podcast um for Thanksgiving about gratitude and the benefits it can have on our physical and mental health.
Marita Pompeani:Yes.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah, yes, I know.
Marita Pompeani:So so if you can't like I do, um, here's one other thing I do in those days uh that are difficult. I may get like in the shower every morning and I just go, you know, and I just tap into what's turning around. And um that happened for me after a very painful loss. And you wake up every morning and the reality is there again, but that person's not with us. So so I had to just uh again dial in, get to know what's happening in your body, yeah, and release it. The energy can be released and and you shift.
Leigh Klekar:Breathe it out, breathe out that negativity.
Marita Pompeani:Yeah, and some people will do the this sort of thing.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah. Yeah. Uh so well you we just touched on this, or you did, um, as well, about the holidays being challenging for those um maybe who have lost loved ones.
Marita Pompeani:Yeah.
Leigh Klekar:And um, do you have any tips for those going through this you know type of difficult situation this year?
Marita Pompeani:Yeah, first of all, I want I just want to put it out there that um there there really are no right or wrong ways to do this. Like I'll give some ideas and they may not fit for whoever's listening, and that's okay. Um sometimes grief, you know, will look different. For some people, their grieving looks like staying busy, yeah. Right, and other people they may be more into feeling that and again releasing the the uh the tears that come with that. Um so some ways that we can um do something to mark this as, especially if it's the first holiday without somebody, um, is to create what we call a very simple ritual. It can be look like anything. It could be um having uh a space at the table for this person if there's enough chairs, um, with maybe a flower or something, you know, in their in that place, um, a picture. Some people have that set up in their in their living room or dining room, like a little area where they've set that up as a memorial. Um some people may have a special prayer or a poem right at the beginning of their meal to acknowledge that person. Sometimes people will even just tell their memories of that person, you know, and it and it happens very naturally in some families where they're talking about something and they'll bring up so-and-so, and and then everybody's starting to share their story. So it can happen all different ways, it doesn't have to be formally you know put into place. Um another part of this is that sometimes we don't know what to say to our um loved ones that are grieving. So just having that awareness that um they may struggle. Sometimes if we don't say anything and acknowledge, you know, how are you doing with this? Um they they may feel like nobody really cares. So it's a very delicate balance of things to say and things not to say. Um, you certainly don't want to, you would like to like it helps to avoid things that might trigger something for them. For example, he's in a better place now, is one that you may really believe that with your faith, but a person's faith experience can get rocked to the core when they lose somebody very special. And so you if you're not really sure if that's a value that they share, or maybe they had to turn away from that for a period of time, um, I would not go. So there are some things that you wouldn't want to say. Some other things that really help is to have this awareness that it is it can be helpful to be with people and to accept invitations. So I recommend something called the ABCD method, which is to accept invitations, but also have B a backup plan because on that day you may not feel up to it. So put into place something different instead of being in an environment where there's a lot of happy people, that really may feel overwhelming. So have a backup plan for yourself. Um if there's an invitation, especially that you don't think you're going to go to, um, but accept the invitation because on that morning you may feel okay with going, and that might be the very thing you need. You just don't know. So you don't want to close something out right away. So accept the invitation, have a backup plan. C is code word. If you're going to one of these events with somebody and you decide you need to leave, have a code word, like to give a high sign that you've come to the point where you need to leave. And that's really common where um you may want to leave um within an hour or you know, shortly after dinner, just because it's it's it's enough. You you've arrived, you've shared some time, that felt good, but then and then and that's it, and you're done. Right. And so having that co code word is important or d drive separately, which if you can do that, do that. Give yourself permission to come and go when when it's time, when you've had enough.
Leigh Klekar:Right. Yeah, and then it gives you a little bit of that control, and it doesn't feel maybe so overwhelming to attend that event. Right.
Marita Pompeani:Exactly. Keep your expectations of yourself very simple, you know, set small goals for yourself, especially it with holiday prep as well. I often have heard I don't feel like putting up my tree or Christmas decorations. Okay, yeah, you know, just follow that. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. Try not to isolate though. The isolation is what can really make things very difficult for you. Um, and and it's not good to be completely alone 100% of the time. Yeah, yeah. Know which people you feel comfortable being with. Because they may not all feel comfortable. And I've had that too, where some people are like, no, this group is too much for me right now, and that's okay. It doesn't mean it's a forever breaking away from that group, it just means right now.
Leigh Klekar:Right.
Marita Pompeani:And then always uh continue to do your self-care, whatever, like some of the things that we talked about with stress management is super important. One other thing I didn't mention yet, and this is really um good to develop, some what I call coping statements. Um these are going to be like anchors, and I have some patients who write these down, carry them with them, and use them all the time. Um things like uh statements like I can do hard things, or it's okay to take time to grieve.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah.
Marita Pompeani:Um I continue to go forward even when I'm feeling overwhelmed. So having some things like that available to you can get you through some really difficult situations because it's going to push back on the story you're telling yourself, like this is too much, I'm overwhelmed. And you need to have something handy and ready to push back on some of those thoughts.
Leigh Klekar:Because we can really get in our heads sometimes. And I think that's a really good tip just to kind of look down at something positive and enlightening that can maybe just snap you a little bit out of that so those thoughts aren't just continuously circling.
Marita Pompeani:Yes.
Leigh Klekar:Yeah, good. Well, before we wrap up, do you have any other last minute tips or do you want to share how um our listeners could get a hold of you if they're interested in making an appointment with you at the Cleveland Clinic?
Marita Pompeani:Oh, absolutely. Um, yes. So the phone number for uh the Center for Integrative and Lifestyle Medicine is 216-448-4325. You can get messages to me through that number as well. Um I think just lastly, the the best advice is just to be flexible, to be open to finding new solutions, and um just understanding that traditions um uh serve a purpose, go to the purpose. What is the purpose if it's to um increase joy, joyful gatherings, stay with the purpose of why you're getting together versus what the tradition is necessarily, and being willing to be flexible, most important.
Leigh Klekar:That's great. Thank you so much for joining us on the Speaking of Women's Health podcast. And thank you to our listeners for tuning in to another episode of our podcast. We're so grateful for everyone's support, and we hope you will all consider supporting the podcast by sharing it with others. And to catch the latest, subscribe for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, TuneIn or wherever you listen to podcasts. So thank you again for listening and happy holidays to everybody, and we'll see you next time in the Sunflower House.
